I've been thinking again, and it pisses me off, again. The good weather we've been enjoying, while nice, brings up sort of painful feelings for me. Not necessarily painful memories, but generally feelings of hardship, loneliness, and longing. The issue with my mother is long since resolved; these feelings I feel have been with me for quite some time.
Though I am a person naturally suited to solitude, that doesn't mean I necessarily enjoy being alone by myself. This particular time of year tends to make it difficult, as this is my favorite time of year. The cool breezes, the golden sunset evenings, and the saturated color landscapes of the metroplex soothe me on a primal level; a respite from the harshness and chaos that is my life away from all of you, my friends. The uncertainty I feel at home, and in public, it fills me constantly with grief, anger and the feeling of never being able to leave it behind no matter what I try. All I ask for for myself, from the world, is a chance to unwind; a chance to loosen my collar; a way to let go of the stress that is slowly but surely killing me, both literally and figuratively. Drama aside, I know that if I can't find a way to alleviate these problems, I will shut down one day. There are times when my only respite is to scream myself hoarse, until it becomes physically exhausting, and only then can I let go of whatever it was that started it in the first place, be it a major problem, or something as simple as missing a favorite t-shirt, not realizing that it was in the laundry room.
This time of year, and it's good climate, bring up those feelings of loneliness that I've had to deal with for years. Sometimes all I'd like is to share my thoughts and feelings with someone else. Having an outlet such as this is cathartic, yes, but this is still a public space, abd there are things that I can only share with others in a face to face setting. Thinking about all of the times I've tried to connect with someone on a deeper basis seems only to aggravate my condition. The lying, the false promises, the failing of the other ones to recirpocate, it all adds up. Every one of those "happy people" I see adds another fifty pounds to my shoulders, and a hundred years to my mental well being.
Look at these douchebags. God.
It pisses me off to no end. Are we doomed to roam this earth wothout so much as a sympathetic ear to use? I mean friends and journals are nice, but they can't give you blowjobs and rub your shoulders, at least without getting wierded out.
When is it going to be this easy?
It's frustrating to say the least. I envy people who can make small talk for hours on end. I'm always stuck with nothing to say, and every reason to say it. Nothing seems to come easily for me. I want to sometimes just be; just exist for a period of time. All of the other people I've tried to connect with just don't seem to get it. I'm either too boring, or too crazy, or too manic-depressive, or too myself.
I guess I'm not sure where exactly I'm going with this; I've lost my train of thought a couple of times. I'm sitting here at Starbucks, watching people come and go. Hating them for not seeming to give a rat's ass about a lonely kid sitting at a laptop, pouring his heart out while drinking coffee. Hating myself for not trying to connect with these people, some of whom might actually be in the same boat as me, yet wanting so badly to be one of them; one of the "happy people," one of the people who've never had to forge themselves into who they are out of sheer defiance for what live gave and took from them; one of the people who can let themselves be molded and pushed and formed into something that everyone likes, and evryone leaves alone.
There's so much for me to say, and no possible way to coherently put it into words, so I guess I'll stop here for now. Since it's easier to teach than to do, I'll leave you all with this: no matter how confused you are at a particular time, never forget and never regret who you have become. If you wish to change, that's fine. But don't dwell on the past too much, or you can find yourself unable to escape it. And yes, I don't take my own advice.
Comments (4)
Those "Happy People" you speak of aren't all that happy, they just put up a good front. You know my response to the rest of your post, so I won't bore you with it, but know I'm here to talk about whatever, whenever ... but no blowjob or shoulder rub ... from me at least.
Well dude I think it's high time you and I hung out! You're as big a whore for technology as am I, and I've recently obtained some bitchin' technology in the form of a radar gun. It's a fun game I play when driving. I spot the cars with radar detectors then light them up, the brake lights make me giggle. In any event some hangage is in order, regardless of activity.
I'm with Cody on this one. Radar Gun fun sounds like a way to blow off some steam. The two of you can always go to a bar later on and hit on some chicks. In the meantime, I do have AT& T on my cell so if you need to talk to me... Calls are free. I give fair back rubs, but for the blow jobs, I have some dental issues so I'll have to sit out for that.
I know how you feel, Nick. Everyone wants to be loved and accepted. It's just not as easy to find real love as people seem to think it is. Anyway, if you ever want a friend who is willing to listen openly and help you through these difficult times, call me. I'm only a phone call away. :)